A Whole New World with Nanay’s Alzheimer’s (Part 9)

THEN and NOW:

1. I used to dose off when Nanay talks non-stop. Now, the situation is reversed. Nanay sleeps when I begin to talk.

2. Nanay used to love veggies. She looks at them now with hostility.

3. Nanay started walking everyday when she retired. Then her walks became irregular. Then shorter until they completely stopped.

4. Nanay loved gardening before. Whatever she planted bloomed and bore fruits. We had santol, avocado, papaya, banana, jackfruit. Those days are over now.

5. Nanay used to dance aerobics and lift dumbbells even after she retired. Her exercise now consists of stretching, bending and pulling when she changes her undies and clothes.

6. Nanay stayed in Pampanga Mondays to Fridays. She travelled to Las Piñas Saturdays then back to Pampanga Mondays. She no longer leaves the house now except for Sunday Mass and joy rides around Philamlife Village.

7. She doesn’t recall staying in Marbel or in Pampanga. She knew she was a midwife but forgot she worked with Philamlife for 50 years. However, there are some recurring flashbacks that happen every now and then.

8. She still remembers her brothers and sisters but sometimes, she forgets who are still living and who already passed away.

9. She used to boast before that for 365 days a year, she prayed the rosary 365 times. She still recalls the Joyful, Sorrowful and Glorious Mysteries when prompted. 

10. She still recognize everybody in our household. I tell her everyday that I am her only daughter. She knows her daughter’s name is Norberta but she has no memory of our past as mother and daughter. Not a single one. One time, she did not remember me at all. She knew Gio and Eia as her grandchildren but she forgot their mother. I had to hold myself together to prevent a nervous breakdown. I know it isn’t Nanay’s fault to forget her one and only daughter but it still pained me. I have no choice but to be strong for her and my 2 precious jewels. So help me God.

A Whole New World with Nanay’s Alzheimer’s (Part 8)

 A very close friend once told me: “Your mother talks non-stop like a radio. But unlike the radio, she cannot be turned OFF” heheheh . . .

Yup. That’s Nanay. She could talk straight for 24 hours and I am NOT exaggerating. We were in Pampanga visiting the wake of her relative. The people there took turns talking to her! Even when she was eating, she was talking continuously. She only took a break when she used the bathroom.

Her favorite story at home was when she topped the Midwifery Board Exam with a grade of 99%. She would tell this story over and over again but we didn’t mind. We responded as if we were hearing it for the first time.

When Nanay stopped talking, we knew something was terribly wrong but we just pacified ourselves that she probably got tired of talking already. 

She no longer tell stories now but mumbles to herself “ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH”.

This could stem from the fact that when people ask her before the secret of her physical well-being, she would answer “enough food, enough exercise, enough rest, enough sleep, enough stress, and enough money to last you a lifetime.”

When Nanay washes her hands she would sing “ang lahat, tatalikdan ko”. This is the last verse of “Paghahandog Ng Sarili”, the song we normally sing during the Offertory in the Holy Mass. She also sings this when she walks inside the house or when she’s just sitting down and when she’s taking a bath.

At night when I moisturize her face, I let her massage her neck so she could exercise her hands. She would do so while counting in hundreds. For this I have no idea why. I guess in her mind, she is probably counting her money!

Some Good Things Never Last

My heart skipped a beat when Barbra Streisand’s song “Some Good Things Never Last” played over the car radio on our way home this afternoon.

Flashbacks of forgotten memories flooded my mind as if everything only happened yesterday. I tried to hit PAUSE but I couldn’t stop my brain from REWINDing.

We were in his office when he gave me a shocking Directive which totally wrecked me. He instructed me never to visit him nor call him unless I was on the verge of dying. I could have stabbed him thrice and pleaded in court that my action was a Crime of Passion but I didn’t. I did not demand anything from him. I also did not accuse him of anything. I just walked out of his office. And out of his life.

It only took me a few months to recover from a previous romantic relationship but this time, it took me more than a year to gather the broken pieces of  my disheveled life. Losing a best friend was a thousand times more devastating than losing a boyfriend.

As Barbra’s song goes . . . I thought we were lovers . . . I thought we were friends. I guess when reality steps in the dreaming ends.

Unrequited love is undeniably the most painful of all human experiences (next to death of a parent). I had to revamp my whole life to start anew without him by my side. It was a desolate journey.

I thought the crying would never stop. I thought I could never forgive him.

But miracles do happen. Through time the deepest of wounds healed and unconditional love prevailed.

We are back being friends and catch up whenever our schedules permit!

Letting go is an agonizing process but completely necessary to find yourself again and live your life with confidence, honour and dignity.

How God Answers My Prayers

God answers my prayers in 3 different ways:

1. He immediately gives me what I want.

2. He doesn’t give me what I want but He gives something BETTER, not necessarily for me but for my loved ones.

3. He doesn’t respond for a loooooong time. When I am about to lose faith and hope he whispers to me:“Stay still. Listen. Trust in the Lord thy God. The BEST is yet to come.”

OK Lord. I have prayed for a SOULMATE long enough. I have stayed still for as long as I could remember. Maybe the best that you have in store for me is to remain single for the rest of my life? Then I accept—with my whole heart, mind, body and spirit!

Farewell, my Soulmate. I have to let you go before we even see each other . . .

A Whole New World with Nanay’s Alzheimer’s (Part 7)

My mother is the most positive person I’ve ever known. My father is the most negative. Opposites do attract each other right?

A particular situation may be negative from any angle possible but Nanay will naturally find something positive about it. On the other hand, even though an incident is bursting with positive energy from all sides, Tatay will deliberately extract something negative about it.

My father and mother clash on anything and everything on the planet. On one of their anniversaries (they survived 55 years of marriage), I gave them a mounted poster of a dog and a cat lovingly embracing each other with the caption “it’s because we are so different from each other that we have so much to share”. Touche.

One time, Nanay told me that Tatay visited her. I asked her if he was already inviting her to go with him to heaven. She answered “No. He just woke me up and told me to eat”. I jokingly told her “I am sure Tatay will never fetch you to go with him because he is now very happy not having you opposing him.”

While Nanay is soft-spoken, gentle and kind, my father was loud, aggressive and brutally frank.

Alzheimer’s Disease did not change Nanay’s demeanor. She never fails to express her gratitude whenever someone does something for her, however miniscule. She does not only say THANK YOU but utters “thank you, thank you, thank you.” She doesn’t grumble when she asks for anything. She doesn’t raise her voice or lose her temper. She easily says “sorry” when she thinks she did something wrong,

But one thing definitely changed. Nanay told me “I LOVE YOU” only ONCE in my entire lifetime. This was when I was about to enter the Operating Room to give birth to Gio by Caesarian Section. Nowadays, she tells me she loves me EVERYDAY, whenever I kiss her goodnight and bid her sweet dreams before I leave her room.

And when I whisper in her ears “I am Nora, your one and only daughter.” she would answer back “I am Imang Toning, your one and only mother.”

Even with Alzheimer’s, Nanay has kept her sense of humor intact!

To be continued . . .

My Love for Carbs

When it comes to Carbs, I believe that God so loved the world that He gave us Carbs to enjoy heaven on earth.

Whenever Gio takes a bite of my Sister’s home-made brownies, he would declare: “heaven does exist Mama, because I swear I am in heaven now. Thank God for your Sister!”

If God gave us Carbs because he loved us, we should also love Carbs right?

Why am I talking about Carbs now? Well, I just want to take a breather from updating the Series on our journey with Nanay’s Alzheimer’s Disease. Also because my new running buddy Jay and I were talking about Carbo Loading last night.

Carbo Loading is crucial in a training program to avoid “hitting the wall” during a Marathon or Ultramarathon. There are varying views how Carbo Loading works but these are mine:

A day before a Half-Marathon, I include 1/2 cup of rice during lunch and dinner. And additional serving of 1-2 Carbs.

2-3 days before a Full Marathon, I include 1/2 cup of rice during breakfast, lunch and dinner. I also eat an additional 1-2 servings of Carbs each day.

5-7 days before an Ultramarathon, I double my total Carbs intake everyday.

I used to wonder what Carbo Loading meant. The Carbs intake described in journals was my usual food intake. I just couldn’t get it. I couldn’t practice Carbo Loading because I was actually Carbo Loading everyday! I only realised what it exactly meant when I decisively removed rice from my diet and applied portion control in my daily servings. After adapting a healthy lifestyle, I finally got to experience Carbo Loading before a race.

Eureka!

A Whole New World with Nanay’s Alzheimer’s (Part 6)

Today I will tell you a secret. To hide the identity of the persons involved, I will simply refer to them as A and B. 

Here goes:

Through the recommendation of a very dear friend, we consulted Dr A for Nanay’s failing memory. He prescribed a series of tests including a Psychological Exam which took Nanay 2 days to finish. Based from the overall results, Nanay was positive for Alzheimer’s but negative for Depression.

During our first consultation with Dr A, he asked me how I knew the Doctor who referred him to us. I told him she was my classmate from Grade 1 to 2nd Yr High Sch. back in Koronadal City. He was impressed that we are still friends. And I found it weird that he asked for my friend’s specialization and where she was practicing. My friend recommended him to us because they were classmates in Medical School. How come Dr A didn’t know anything about my friend? Was he having pre-Alzheimer’s symptoms?

In our next meeting, we showed him all the results of Nanay’s tests and exams. Naturally, I had so many queries that I desperately needed to know. He answered in very general terms, not specifically directed to my questions in particular. And before I could voice my apprehensions, he started babbling about his own mother having Alzheimer’s. 

When Nanay’s meds ran out, we came back for our third consultation. I planned to ask him again about the questions that he failed to address. Before I could even ask him, he poured his heart out on his dedication to his mother, making him the only one in the family who devotes time for her, insinuating that his siblings didn’t care. He had lots of bottled sentiments and fears. The way he opened up to me, I should have charged him the Consultation Fee of a Psychotherapist! I decided then and there to look for another Neurologist.

Dr B is the exact opposite of Dr A. For her, a Psychological Test was NOT necessary. Just by observing and conversing with Nanay, she automatically deduced that Nanay was going through Depression. She did not even bother to read the 3-page Psychological Assessment which Nanay took 2 days to finish!  She requested more laboratory tests/exams and we complied.

Dr B was more engaging to Nanay and she answered my questions that Dr A failed to settle. She even showed Nanay the actual exercises that she should do everyday. And she gave us activities that we could do as a family for Nanay to participate in. I was more satisfied with her than Dr A on this regard but I couldn’t fathom why she would trust her instinct over the result of a tedious and meticulous Psychological Test. Her conclusion that Nanay was in a state of Depression depressed me.

In our third Consultation, Nanay’s Cholesterol was at a normal level but she still prescribed medication for it. According to her, it is for maintenance. Now THAT bothered me. For 90 years, Nanay never took any maintenance drug. Given this and her previous presumption, I now plan to look for another Neurologist.

So the secret is out. You don’t only seek for a second opinion. Search for a third one!

To be continued . . .