WHEN YOU REACH THE END OF YOUR ROPE, HOLD ON TO YOUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

22 years ago, I gave birth to a daughter with Down Syndrome.

6 years ago, it seemed like I gave birth to 10 children more who was either 1) aggressive 2) depressive 3) overtalkative 4) withdrawn 5) bubbly 6) sulky 7) clingy 8) aloof 9) hostile and 10) violent.

Eia was the sweetest person on earth before she suffered the painful “breakup” with her best friend. She was never been the same after that traumatic experience in her life. Gio would wonder when are we going to have a normal life in our household and I told him “You and I were the worst of enemies for 10 years. So this scenario will probably last for at least 10 years. Thank God this only happened now. I would have gone insane if I were battling with you and Eia at the same time.” Gio would then try to pacify me by saying that it won’t probably take 10 years for Eia to go back to being “normal”.

Initially, no medication worked for Eia. She was prescribed 3 types of ANTIPSYCHOTIC drugs but she continued exhibiting unpredictable behavior. I was at a loss. A psychiatrist and clinical psychologist were simultaneously taking care of her but there was no change in her behavior at home. Strange but she enjoyed talking with her psychiatrist and psychotherapist.

When I believed that we were all doing our best and exhausted all possible means for Eia but she remained the same—in fact getting worse, I surrendered everything to God. Following the “Let go and let God” principle, it did not matter anymore whether Eia will revert to her old self or not. I would accept her for what she is and wouldn’t try to change her anymore. I would love her as she is, with all her tantrums and whatever “episode” she’s having. I would love everything about her and will not expect her anymore to love me the way she loved me before.

When I faced the problem head on without any fear of what the future held, that’s the time Eia slowly went into metamorphosis. Her “episodes” became fewer and shorter. When I finally embraced the reality that I was actually dealing with 10 daughters and swore to love each one of them dearly, that’s when positive changes miraculously started to emerge. 

As of this writing, Eia is taking only 1/4 of 1 tablet out of the 3 tablets she was taking before. Everyday is still a new adventure with Eia but praise God her “episodes” are now reduced to 1-3 times daily. We could now laugh at how we drastically changed our drinking glasses to stainless steel because Eia broke the glass cover of our dining table after hitting it with her glass when she went berserk.

Eia is truly God’s gift to me. Her pediatric cardiologist even predicted that she won’t live the day to celebrate her 1st birthday (that is of course another story) without an open heart surgery but by God’s grace, she is now 22. Thank you Lord!

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Culture Shock! (Musings of a Certified PROMDI: Part 2)

Continuing my story from Part 1, I tried my best adapting to my new environment. To lessen my stress, Nanay chose Holy Spirit Dorm because it was just a stone throw away from UE. More importantly, 4 of my 5 room mates were from Marbel and nearby towns. The administrator in Holy Spirit Dorm was hesitant at first to accept me because I was only 15 and just in Junior High. All the other boarders were College students. She was afraid I would be rowdy and undisciplined. But Nanay promised her that one unruly behavior I make, she will pull me out from the dorm. Thank God I had amazing room mates who made my life easier and happier during my first 2 years in Manila. 

One of my shocking experiences as a newbie in Manila was witnessing with my virgin eyes a male exhibitionist doing his ritual right in front of our dorm! That was his favorite spot. And because he was there often, everybody was already used to his presence. Well, everybody except me. I couldn’t believe that such kind of behavior existed in society and people would just brush their shoulders off as if it was just a normal thing to do.

Back in Marbel, my classmates and I enjoyed playing more than studying. I used to go to school with a skipping rope in my bag instead of books heheheh . . . We just loved to play whenever we had the chance. My friends and I were normally the last to leave the campus because we couldn’t get tired of playing. I really missed that. In UE, we had to go home @1pm because the Afternoon session students will be occupying the rooms. After dismissal, we automatically went our separate ways. My classmates were in a hurry to go home because they still had to commute and it was past lunchtime already. Sad. (Incidentally, Christopher de Leon was also a UE student. When his first film “Tinimbang Ka Ngunit Kulang” was shown in 1974, the whole UE population probably supported his movie. I was so proud I was breathing the same air with him when he won the Famas Best Actor award in his very first appearance.)

I got another shock of my life after our teacher graded our first quiz. I didn’t know that it was common practice in UE to distribute the exam results one by one in class from highest to lowest. I then realized that my new classmates were very competitive with grades. If I didn’t get a perfect score, I wouldn’t be the highest in the Quiz or Exam. So I had to devote more of my time in studying. I hated it but had no choice. Tatay did not expect me to be the Valedictorian because I lacked the four-year residency but he trusted me to do my best. Strange how he obssessed for his only daughter to earn the Highest Honors when he himself barely passed during his time. Typical parent who wanted his frustrated dream fulfilled through his offspring.

To be continued . . .

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Culture Shock! (Musings of a Certified PROMDI: Part 1)

I dropped my original plan of running away from home simply because my dear parents decided to transfer me to Manila after my second year of high school in Marbel, South Cotabato (now Koronadal City). Call it coincidence or whatever you like but what the Spirit of the Glass revealed to me before actually came true. God really works in very mysterious ways! 

A whole new world startled me when I first set foot in UE (University of the East) High Sch. For the first time in my life I felt lost and deserted. I was surrounded by 49 classmates who were probably best buddies since they were in Kindergarten and for them, I was a nobody. I must admit I wasn’t the friendly type before. I was an introvert by nature (I still am). So I sat at the very end of the room, my back touching the wall. Everybody was busy talking to each other but I just kept quiet. I listened attentively to our teacher when class started. My father repeatedly instructed me to recite in class for me to be easily recognized and I assured him I would. So when the teacher asked the question “What is the scope of Economics?” and nobody dared to raise his hand, I mustered up the courage to ask “May I try?”  The teacher addressed the whole class that she loved students who were willing to try. I then found myself at the center of everyone’s attention. There was complete silence that I could almost hear the beating of my own heart. Everybody waited in anticipation what this Promdi (person who grew up in the province and goes to Manila) was going to say.

The moment I opened my mouth and my classmates heard me talk, I hated myself for my guts. They started laughing at me and murmuring among themselves. I realized they were mocking my Ilonggo accent, dropping comments like “Bisaya gid.” I swear to God I could have just died right then and there. The fact that I was a school declaimer for 8 consecutive years in Marbel did not help at all. My self-confidence dropped below the ground along with my pride but not my determination. I struggled to ignore the huzz and the buzz around me and pressed on. When our teacher exclaimed “VERY GOOD!” after my introductory monologue, I was lifted up to the heavens. I instantly regained the dignity I lost and stood tall and proud. My classmates were dumbfounded and though I could feel their piercing stares, nothing could break me anymore. 

On the way back to the dorm I passed by a fruit stand and asked how much was the banana. The vendor told me 30 centavos. I gave her my payment and when she gave me 1 piece of banana, I asked her why she was only giving me a single banana. Imagine the shock on my face when I learned that the price was actually 30 centavos per banana when back in Marbel, bananas were sold at 30 centavos per bunch! I tried my best not to lose my composure while the vendor was meticulously scrutinizing me from head to toe as if to verify whether I was an alien from outer space that had just landed on earth.

To be continued . . .

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Ang Makulay na Daigdig ni Nora (My Colorful Life: Part 8)

Hello! Kindly read the previous post first because Part 8 is actually an EPILOGUE for Part 7.

After 10 years, my faithful bully and I met again. Not accidentally. He purposely went to my office in Coca-Cola Makati, knelt down on his knee (literally) and asked for forgiveness. I should have forgiven him then but I wasn’t yet ready to forget those 6 years of suffering when he tormented and humiliated me.

Two years later, he visited me in CRC (Center for Research & Communication) to again ask for forgiveness. During that time I was deeply immersed in the whole new world of “holiness” so forgiving someone was as easy as breathing. I remember when he asked me out to celebrate our reconciliation and told me to decide wherever I want to go. Lucky for him I was craving for Chocolate Marshmallow Cake of Red Ribbon. We ordered 1 slice each but to my dismay, the waitress told us that it cannot be sliced but could only be bought as a whole. Imagine my joy when Buboy assured her that he will buy the whole cake but we will be eating half of it there. Cake lang pala ang katapat ng anim na taong pagdurusa ko hahahah . . .

My bully-turned-friend left the Philippines after that and worked abroad. He was already married when we met again and was residing in Pasig. He unexpectedly appeared at the doorstep of my shop and for a while, visited me every month whenever he brings his sports car for maintenance check up to his mechanic residing in Las Piñas. Since then, we became very good friends. I guess the cliche “those who are against you now may be with you tomorrow” is true. Becoming close friends with your greatest enemy is inconceivable but by God’s grace, may miraculously happen.

My piano teacher, on the other hand, realized her past mistakes and made a public apology in FB for hurting her students in Marbel. I remember my friend Mimi describing her as “ang babaeng pumatay ng pangarap nating maging piyanista”(someone who destroyed our dream of becoming a pianist). My friend Mimi is now a gastroenterologist but she pursued her dream of becoming a pianist and I am very happy that she eventually fulfilled her passion. We are now good friends with Ma’am Linda. She is in fact delighted that my only son is majoring in Piano at the College of Music, UP Diliman, where her daughter teaches indigenous instruments. Small world indeed!

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Ang Makulay na Daigdig ni Nora (My Colorful Life: Part 7)

Throughout Grade 1 to Grade 6, I was bullied by the son of our principal while his  two other best buddies took turns in making my life a living hell. To properly defend myself from my perpetrators, I pleaded with Nanay to enroll me in JUDO KARATE. But for whatever reason my stubborn mother had, she enrolled me in ballet instead. I was so freakingly mad with her that I refused to participate in class. Since she was always not around, she had no idea that I was just watching my classmates whenever I go to the Yap Residence where the class was being held. She only found out that I did not join the class before the day of the Recital. 

My mother enrolled me in piano without even asking me if I wanted to learn or not. Maybe because she was a frustrated pianist so she wanted to realize her dream through her only daughter. I probably had no qualms if only my piano teacher didn’t forcefully hit my fingers with her wooden ruler every time I make mistakes. So I fabricated excuses on days that she would come to teach. Of course I spaced out the days into intervals so they won’t appear too obvious. My alibis included stomachache, toothache, headache, colds, cough, and fever. I would estimate the time she would arrive, warming my hands, neck and forehead with a washcloth soaked in hot water and lie in bed covered in blanket to be believable that I was running a fever. 

I mentioned in my previous posts that I was planning to run away from home so in order to have enough money for my getaway, I asked Nanay if I could raise a piglet and sell it when it’s big enough. I promised her that I will save my earnings in the bank and she agreed. Though quite difficult, I took very good care of it for 6 months until it was ready to be sold. I placed a rope around his neck, not too tight so it could breathe freely. I held on the rope so that both the pig and I walked side by side like inseparable lovers to the slaughterhouse in Marbel, South Cotabato. It took us about an hour to arrive at our destination. He was weighed and after the butcher gave me the corresponding payment, I returned home beaming because I could now reach Davao City if I wanted. I salivated thinking of all the durian I could possibly eat hahahah . . .

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Thank You Tatay!

They say we are the last batch of children who listened to their parents and the first batch of parents who listened to their children. 

Times have changed, yes, and if children of today’s generation go through what we went through, our prison cells will probably be filled with “abusive” parents.

There was only 1 rule in our home and that was to obey Tatay, no matter what. Simple, isn’t it? Nobody is allowed to question his authority. What he says, goes. If you make a mistake, you are severely punished. Physically. There was no dialogue between parent and child because children’s opinions didn’t matter during our time. My father always shouts, even when he’s not mad. More often than not, he loses his temper in a flash. 

But after everything else is said and done, I thank God for my father who molded me for what I am now. Thanks to him, my heart could endure any setback in life. 

THANK YOU TATAY:

1.  for teaching me what’s right and wrong

2.  for preparing me to be ready for anything and everything

3.  for coaching me about life’s Ups and Downs

4.  for taking care of me through thick and thin

5.  for standing by me no matter what

6.  for not giving up on me

7.  for forgiving me of my wrongdoings and shortcomings

8.  for always praying for me and my kids

9.  for loving me Inspite of and Despite of

10. for accepting me for what I am and for what I am NOT.

I love you, Tatay!  Hope you are now having the time of your life in heaven.

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Choose Your Battles

Parenting is hard enough. Solo parenting makes it at least twice as hard.

They say taking care of a child with special needs is equivalent to taking care of 10 children in terms of time, money, and effort.

So what does it take for a solo parent to take care of a son with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and a daughter with Down Syndrome? And what if the daughter has acquired bipolar disorder when she turned 16? (I thank God that when this happened, her brother and I were already the best of friends from being the worst of enemies.) 

How do you keep your sanity in check given this absurd situation? 

Seek help because you only have one body. You cannot be in various places at the same time.  So you need to multiply yourself. By all means delegate. Then delegate more until the tasks left for you to do are the ones only you and no one else could do.

Go digital to save time. Pay your bills online (I was already doing this long before the pandemic erupted). Buy online if they are available online.

Take very good care of yourself. Set time to breathe, unwind, exercise, rest, eat, meditate, contemplate. For how can you take care of the people you love if you’re sick in bed?

Whenever you go out, plan everything ahead to maximize productivity and minimize cost. Make a meticulously detailed list so you don’t miss out on anything. Put your Time and Motion Study skills in action.

Do not keep your calendar. Put it where you can easily see it. With virtual meetings left and right, you’re most likely to forget if you don’t see your schedule facing you.

When dealing with “monster” kids, choose your battles. You don’t have to fight with your child everytime he pushes the wrong buttons. As long as he doesn’t cross the bounds of morality, hold your guard and let your child enjoy his victory. I remember one time in National Book Store when Gio was only 4, he wanted the very expensive Blue’s Clues book. It was a very small book and yet the price was ridiculously high. Naturally, I denied his plea. Without any warning Gio lied on the floor kicking his legs, crying and shouting for me to buy the book. I asked him to stand up first and be silent before we negotiate. It took ages before he complied. When he did, I told him that if he could promise me he will no longer ask for a book or any toy during Christmas, then I will buy the Blue’s Clues book for him. I was confident he wouldn’t agree to my condition but to my surprise he did heheheh . . . So I bought him the book. Because of this, he lost the opportunity to wish for a book or toy during Christmas. But he didn’t mind. He was contentedly happy with his Blue’s Clues book. And just yesterday, he showed me the book while he was tidying his room. His face was still as bright as the first time he got hold of his cherished possession 20 years ago. Priceless.

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